All or Nothing
by Writer girl 1988
Summary: Amanda is in labor and Olivia is right by her side. Will the emotions of such a momentous event reveal the detectives' true feelings for each other? Rollivia all the way. Rated M for future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi guys, thanks for taking the time to read and review This is on Me. I will be updating it soon.**

 **All or Nothing takes place in season 17 and starts with Amanda's labour.**

 **If you like Rollivia, you'll love this. Rated M for future chapters.**

As she approached Amanda's room on the maternity ward, Liv could see the blonde pacing back and forth, her left hand supporting her lower back and her right hand rubbing soft circles on her bump. All of a sudden, Amanda stopped at the side of the bed, both hands placed on the mattress and her body slightly bent over. Liv could hear the low moan coming from deep within the blonde as another contraction took hold. Liv slowly opened the door not wanting to startle the blonde, and softly said, "Hey, 'Manda, mind if I come in?". Amanda looked up and, upon seeing Liv, her boss and friend, a weary smile appeared on her now pale face and she gave a slight nod. She stayed slightly hunched over as the contraction started to subside then she slowly stood up and began pacing again.

"You just missed Carisi. I sent him home. He looked exhausted. Besides, Fin should be here soon."

Liv, who had now taken a seat on one of the visitor's chairs beside Amanda's bed said, " Fin got held up at work so I offered to come instead. I hope that's ok."

Amanda, almost immediately, said, "Of course it is!" Slightly embarrassed at how eager she seemed, Amanda then added, " The guys aren't great at handling this labor thing we got goin on." Her southern drawl never failed to make Liv's heart skip a beat. There had been a time when the two women had enjoyed a flirtation, neither one overtly saying what she felt for the other but neither of them hiding their attraction. Then, when Amanda's rape had come to light, Liv held back somewhat and became Amanda's shoulder to cry on as she got on the road to recovery. It had been a difficult time for Amanda and she seemed to welcome the shift in their relationship and so Liv decided to wait until Amanda seemed more ready before pursuing anything romantic. So, when the blonde announced that she was pregnant, Liv was not only confused, but hurt. Had she imagined their earlier flirtation? No discussion was ever had about it between the two women. Soon they fell into a comfortable friendship but as Amanda's pregnancy hormones began to make themselves known, Liv sensed that Amanda still thought of her as more than a friend. Seeing Amanda now, her swollen belly, full breasts, and little strands of hair falling around her face as she struggled through each contraction, Liv thought she never looked more beautiful and the familiar longing ignited within her. She had to remind herself that she was here to support Amanda. Be her friend.

"How are things going?" she asked the blonde.

Amanda responded by saying that the contractions were now three minutes apart and that it shouldn't be too long now until she would be able to start pushing. She was told that by the time she had arrived at the hospital, it was too late for an epidural. Liv detected a tone of fear in the blonde's voice and asked, " How do you feel?... I know it's a stupid question given that you are in labor but if I were you I'd be a little apprehensive."

"Truth?" the blonde asked.

Liv nodded.

"I'm scared Liv. Not just about the pain or having to push her out, but about what happens when she's here." Amanda's voice started to waver and tears filled her eyes as she added,

" It's all becoming so real now and all I keep thinking is that I screwed up." A quiet sob escaped her as she sat on the edge of the bed, her face lowered and her eyes staring at the floor. At this, Liv stood up, walked over to Amanda, and and sat down beside her, placing her hand gently on the blonde's left knee. Amanda looked at Liv's hand on her knee. Deep within her she felt the slow burn of desire for her boss, her friend, which she had long ago buried.

" You're not alone 'Manda. I'm here, Fin and Carisi are here. I know we're not your real family but we all love you and will support you and this little one every step of the way."

Hearing this, Amanda looked up and met the gentle gaze of her brown eyed boss. "Thanks Liv. That means a l...oooooooooooooooh!" Amanda was cut off mid sentence by yet another powerful contraction. Her eyes squeezed shut and her hand instinctively grasped Liv's.

Breathing through the contraction was not quite working for Amanda and she wailed out in pain. Liv got up off the bed and lowered onto her knees in front of Amanda, her right hand still firmly held by Amanda. Liv used her left hand to rub the side of Amanda's right thigh in an effort to soothe her.

" You're doing great honey."

As Amanda's contraction once more began to subside, she opened her eyes and immediately looked down to see Liv's big brown eyes looking back at her full of love and compassion. For a second, both women held each other's gaze, Liv's left hand resting on Amanda's thigh and Amanda still gripping Liv's other hand. Becoming acutely aware of the moment that they were having, Liv's face flushed and she gently coughed. "You good?"

"Yeah, that one was stronger than before. Sorry if I hurt your hand."

Liv gently laughed," Don't worry about me. That's what I'm here for. Do you wanna go back into bed? Get some rest?"

" Yeah, these contractions are really starting to tire me out. " Amanda pulled the covers back and climbed in, flinching slightly at the discomfort she was now feeling at the base of her bump. she took a deep breath to try and calm herself as a fresh flood of fear washed over her. She reached out for Liv. Liv could sense the shift in Amanda's mood and sat on the edge of the bed. She held Amanda's hand.

"It's ok to be scared, Amanda. You don't have to be brave all the time."

"What was I thinking Liv? I got drunk and reckless and didn't think of the consequences? Now, this baby is gonna be depending on me to show her how to live a good life when all I've done is screw up my own. What kind of life can I give her? She'll never know her father because I didn't even ask his name. How am I gonna explain that to her? The fact that she exists solely because I went home with the first person who showed any interest? "

Liv was surprised at how candid Amanda was being. It was not like Amanda yo be so open about her feelings as she hated being vulnerable in front of other people. Liv appreciated the fact that Amanda trusted her enough to let her guard down somewhat. In the back of Liv's mind though, all she could think of was the fact gnat Amanda said "person" when referring to who she slept with that night. Had Liv been brave enough to show her how she truly felt, would Amanda have gone home with her instead?

As if suddenly realising how honest she had been, Amanda began to blush and said "Sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"Don't 'Manda" Liv interrupted. "I've been there too."

"You have?"

"Yeah, certain cases get to you and you get so caught up in the emotion of it all and sometimes you just need to let loose and get out of your own head for a while. Going home to an empty apartment is no use. The next best thing is sitting in a crowded bar and having a couple of drinks. Occasionally someone will offer to buy you a drink and after a few, it's easy to set aside any notion of reason and just let everything else take over. I've definitely had my moments so I get it 'Manda. What you need to know is that none of that defines you. You've done a lit of good in your life 'Manda. This baby couldn't be born to a better mom."


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi everyone! Sorry it's taken a while for me to update. Thank you for the reviews, follows and favourites; it's such a lovely confidence boost knowing that you are enjoying this story.**

"Aaaaaaaah! Whhoo whhoo whhoo." Amanda's contractions were coming in quick succession and a searing pain was now ripping through her lower abdomen. baby Rollins was definitely going to make an appearance soon. Amanda tried to focus on her breathing but every so often, the pain would intensify to the extent that it quite literally would take her breath away. With each passing minute, the pain intensified. Amanda was growing weary as each contraction depleted her of yet more energy and occasionally she would look at Olivia and whimper "Oh God, I can't do this", her tear-filled eyes pleading for it all to be over and the pain to stop.

Olivia, who had stayed by her side, rubbing her back, holding her hand and feeding her ice chips, would look directly into Amanda's eyes, smile and say, "Sweetie, you're already doing it."

In the hours since she arrived, Olivia had watched Amanda go from being her usual stoic self to being completely vulnerable and openly expressing her emotions. When she wasn't in the grip of a contraction, Amanda spoke freely about her fears of becoming a mother, not knowing how to take care of a baby, finding a balance when she returned to work and losing her own sense of self in the process. Olivia, having had similar fears when she adopted her son Noah, offered kind words of advice and said she'd be with her every step of the way and she meant it.

Being in the hospital room as Amanda labored and prepared to bring a new life into the world, brought a sense of clarity to Olivia. The feelings she had suppressed for Amanda resurfaced rapidly. Watching Amanda with both hands pressed against her lower back, pace back and forth between contractions, her cheeks flushed and strands of blonde hair clinging to her sweat soaked neck from the physical exertion of labor, Olivia thought she never looked more beautiful. She wished more than anything that she were here as Amanda's partner and not as her boss and friend. She wished that she could hold her tight and tell her that everything would be ok. Olivia, however, had to stay focused and in the moment so that she could be there and help Amanda in any way that she could. Her feelings would have to be set aside for now but she had an inkling that Amanda was on the same page as her.

From time to time, Amanda would stop in her tracks and look at Olivia intently and then scramble to say something to cover up the fact that she had spent a socially unacceptable period of time staring at her boss. Other times, when the pain became too much to bear and all sense of self-consciousness had left her, Amanda would inch closer to Olivia, reach out for her hand and rest her head on Olivia's shoulder as she tried to breath through it. Amanda couldn't deny that what she felt for Olivia was romantic and that she saw her as more of a friend. Each time she caught Olivia's eye, her heart would flutter. When feeling at her most desperate, when she thought the pain wouldn't yield, she wanted nothing more than to feel Olivia's arms around her and her lips pressed to her cheek as she whispered over and over that it would be ok.

The reality, however, was that while each women battled their feelings for each other, an awkwardness settled into the room. Both women, feeling emotionally charged, were scared of letting their feelings be known, especially with Amanda being in labour. Timing was not their friend right now.

After Amanda's latest contraction subsided, Olivia sat back down on the edge of the bed and Amanda resumed pacing the room. It had been a few hours now, and though Olivia was only there to support and assist, she could feel the heat of the room take over and a thin veil of sweat began to develop on her forehead and upper lip. She stood to remove her navy suit jacket, revealing a crisp white shirt. Moving to place the jacket over the back of one of the chairs, she noticed Amanda sway slightly.

"Whoa, whoa 'Manda, you ok?" Olivia asked as she hurriedly approached Amanda and placed a gentle hand on the blonde's lower back to steady her. Amanda turned her head around slightly, nodded and said, "Just a little light headed."

Still standing close to the blonde, left hand resting on the blonde's lower back, Olivia offered her right hand out in front of Amanda for extra support saying "Let's turn around sweetie and get you back to bed."

Just as Amanda was about to agree, she felt the familiar pain of a powerful contraction about to take hold. She grabbed Liv's right hand and quickly held it close to her side. As if to steady herself for what was to come, Amanda instinctively held out her left hand in silent request for Liv's other hand. Liv removed her left hand from Amanda's lower back and quickly held stretched her forearm round to the blonde's left side. Amanda grabbed Liv's left hand and held on tight. As the contraction gained momentum, Amanda squeezed her eyes shut, pressed her back against Liv's chest and abdomen and rested her head back on Liv's left shoulder. The pain was, by now, becoming intolerable and she cried out. all the while Liv whispered softly in her ear "It's ok honey, I've got you. You're doing great."

Inside, Olivia welcomed the close contact with the blonde and was deeply moved that Amanda would trust her to hold her so intimately as her labor progressed. Soft tears trickled down the side of her face, acknowledging that she was now actively helping Amanda prepare for the birth of her first child. Olivia didn't have time to think too much about what this might mean for their relationship at some point in the future as at the end of Amanda's contraction, a powerful ripping pain tore it's way through Amanda's back and she let out a guttural scream that frightened Olivia to her core.

She felt Amanda's back arch away from her chest and her head press back further into her shoulder, the pain that caused her to scream out refusing to subside.

"'Manda, sweetie, talk to me. What just happened?" Liv asked, unable to mask the worry in her voice.

"It's not a contraction, it's not a contraction. It's in my back. Oh God, something's wrong, Liv. Look..." She cried out in desperation as the foetal monitor that was strapped to her belly began beeping rapidly. At that, Amanda cried out again, her knees buckling beneath her as yet another surge of pain took over.

Liv feeling the weight of Amanda press down on her forearms with urgency, moved to turn the blonde around and sit her in the edge of the bed saying, "You're gonna be ok, I'm gonna get help. Let's get you back..."

Amanda's let out another cry of pain and then her head fell forward and the full weight of her body rested solely on Liv ash she tried to move her toward the bed.

"Oh God, Amanda, 'Manda? Stay with me honey! Somebody help! Help, please!"

Tears were streaming down Olivia's face as the nurses rushed in and got Amanda safely onto the bed and ushered Olivia out of the room.

"You can't be in here now." The nurse said.

The door to Amanda's room was slightly ajar and she heard rushed voices of the nurses and doctors.

"Possible placental abruption."

"We need to open her up now."

"Baby is in distress."

"Haemorrhaging..."

At that moment Liv saw it dotted on the white flooring of Amanda's room. Blood.

A small puddle of crimson blood and splatters of blood leading back to Amanda's bed. She gasped at the sight and raised her hand to her forehead. She looked down and saw traces of Amanda's blood on her trousers and boots. Olivia sobbed into her hands which were now covering her face, desperation taking over as the blinds covering Amanda's room window were closed over by one of the nurses.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi everyone, sorry for the long delay in updating. Life is super hectic right now. The chapter is a little shorter than I would have liked but to continue it past the point at which I finish would have meant a bumper edition chapter and I want to draw it out a little :)**

 **i hope you enjoy this chapter and any feedback good or bad would be much appreciated. Thanks again to everyone who has favourited or followed this story.**

All Olivia could hear now was the sound of her own heart beating quickly as memories of stollen glances and missed opportunities rushed through her mind. Her hands still covering her face, she turned to rest her back against the cold hospital wall, as she whispered, "This can't be happening." She slid down the wall till she felt the ground beneath her, resting her elbows on her knees as her hands continued to cover her face. She felt her breathing accelerate as she flashed back to the almost primal scream that escaped Amanda just as she lost consciousness, the blood, there was so much of it, being shut out of her room...It was all becoming too much for her, the thought of losing Amanda, the baby, without ever getting to tell her how she truly felt. Her breath hitched slightly as she heard her name being called from somewhere in the distance.

"Liv!?" The voice repeated.

Looking up slowly, hands running back through her hair, she saw Fin looking at her worriedly. He crouched down and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"I'm so glad you're here." She cried into Fin as she rested her head on his shoulder and felt his arms wrap around her.

Fin held Olivia as she sobbed, not quite knowing what was going on but not wanting to push Olivia for information.

" There was so much blood Fin. I couldn't help her. I couldn't help her. "

"It'll be ok Liv, I promise."

"You don't know that." She cried. "What if I lose her?".

At that moment, All the pieces fell into place and Fin understood what was going on. His suspicions were confirmed. Liv was in love with Amanda and now she faced the possibility of losing her without ever getting the chance to tell her. He had watched them dance around the issue for the longest time, neither one openly admitting how they felt. The flirtatious looks, the sneaky smiles, the glances that lasted just a second too long. Fin had see it all knowing that a day would come when the two women would give in to their feelings. He just never imagined it would happen like this. His heart was breaking for Olivia, his friend of 17 years, and, lurking in the back of his mind, a strong sense of fear was building for his partner whose life at this moment in time was hanging in the balance.

Both Fin and Olivia were lost in thought when a nurse approached them saying, "Olivia?"

Looking up from behind Fin's shoulder, Olivia quickly said ,"Yes, that's me."

She rushed to her feet, supported by Fin. The nurse, seeing the tears and concern in Olivia's eyes, said,"Miss Rollins has been prepped for surgery. She's been slipping in and out of consciousness but she has been asking for you."

Olivia took a second to process the fact that Amanda had asked for her to be there with her despite losing so much blood and barely maintaining consciousness. She quickly glanced at Fin who was still holding firmly onto her waist. He nodded and she felt him loosen his grip on her. On unsteady feet, and with her mind racing, Olivia followed the nurse who hurriedly gave her a pair of scrubs to put on before escorting her to Amanda's bedside.

Sitting down close to Amanda's head, Olivia held Amanda's left hand with her own and, with her right, she gently rested her palm so that it lay parallel to the top of Amanda's head, fingertips lightly touching the top of Amanda's right ear.

Feeling Olivia's touch, Amanda, once again, opened her eyes. Her breath hitched slightly upon seeing Olivia right beside her. She needed her and she came. Tears started to fall freely from her eyes as she said, "I'm scared. What happens if she's not ok?"

Fighting hard to hold back her own tears, Olivia focused all her energy on Amanda saying,

" Everything is going to be ok, sweetheart, I promise."

Amanda held eye contact with Olivia and in that moment, it was as though no-one else was in the room, the gravity of the situation momentarily suspended.

Seconds later the sounds of the OR came roaring back. Amanda blinked a few times as she felt a tugging sensation in her abdomen. The now familiar sense of fear taking hold once more, Amanda looked to Olivia who continued to look reassuringly into her eyes. The silent exchange between the two women was enough for Amanda to quickly regain a sense of calm. Everything would be ok, just like Olivia said. A moment later she felt her baby being pulled from deep within her. Olivia turned her head to the left slightly and caught a brief glimpse of Amanda's baby as she was whisked over to the waiting nurse.

Amanda, hearing nothing but the deafening silence, shakily asked, " Why isn't she..."

Before she could finish, the sweetest sounds she had ever heard came from her new born daughter. A high-pitched cry came from the baby girl, the sound becoming louder as the nurse approached Amanda at the right side of the bed.

"You have a beautiful baby girl Ms Rollins."

The nurse gently laid the baby girl on Amanda's now bare chest. At the feel of her mother's skin, baby girl Rollins stopped crying and rested her left hand on Amanda's chest.

Never breaking eye contact with her newborn, Amanda gently cried, "She's perfect, Liv."

The sight of Amanda laying on the operating table with her baby nestled against her chest was the most beautiful thing Olivia had ever seen. Tears of relief fell from her eyes as she softly said, " Yes she is."

Getting lost in the blue eyes of baby girl Rollins, Olivia was shaken when she heard the alarmed voices of the nurses and doctors as they hurried around Amanda. The baby was quickly taken from Amanda's chest as Olivia heard,

"She's bleeding out."

Before being rushed out of the room again, Olivia saw Amanda's eyes roll to the back of her head as the colour drained from her face.

Just as the door was closing to the OR, Olivia heard the shrieking sound of the heart monitor before it flatlined.

Olivia stood outside the OR unable to move. This can't be happening, she thought. Amanda can't die. What about her little girl, her baby. What about, dare she think it, me? Olivia knew that Amanda was in good hands but the sound of the monitor flatlining was still ringing in her ears. Silent tears fell from her eyes as she allowed herself to contemplate the possibility that Amanda may not make it. As the thought settled firmly in her mind, Olivia felt a heaviness descend and a tight, constricting sensation take hold of her chest. Her breathing was increasing rapidly but she felt no oxygen reach her lungs. Moments later, a nurse walked past Olivia but quickly turned back to where Olivia stood. She could recognise the tell tale signs of a panic attack any day. Careful not to startle her, the nurse approached Olivia saying, "Ma'am, are you ok?"

Olivia was now staring at the ground, taking short, sharp ragged breaths, tears falling freely. She didn't appear to have registered that the nurse was now facing her or that she had asked her if she was ok. The nurse placed a gentle hand on Olivia's forearm and roped her other arm around Olivia's waist and guided her to a nearby chair. She crouched down in front of Olivia and asked, "Is there someone here with you?"

"It's not me, it's Amanda. She's bleeding out. She flatlined. Oh God. The baby. Is she ok? I have to see them." Olivia's breathing was becoming faster again as she quickly dispelled all of the thoughts that had been rushing through her mind, her gaze fixed on the nurse with a desperation that brought tears to the nurse's eyes.

"What's your name sweetheart?"

The usually pulled together lieutenant was now in need of support and the soothing voice of the nurse began to register with her and she calmed slightly.

"Olivia, Olivia Benson. Can you check on her? It's Amanda Rollins. She's in the OR. Please."

"I'll go see what I can find out. Is there someone I can call to come sit with you?"

"Uh, yeah, Fin. He's out in the waiting area."

"Ok, I'll go get him now. "

As soon as she saw the familiar face of her long time friend, Olivia crumbled. On shaky legs, she stood and immediately reached out for him. Fin held her close ad she cried saying, "It was horrible Fin. One minute everything was fine, she was holding the baby and then the next, her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she stopped breathing. She was bleeding out and she flatlined Fin. What am I going to do without her?"

Not wanting to probe further into Olivia and Amanda's complicated relationship, Fin gently said, "She'll be ok Liv. 'Manda's strong. She'll pull through." Inside though, Fin wished he could believe his own words.

Just then the nurse returned with news about Amanda. Olivia and Fin looked at her expectantly.


End file.
